the leper in me.

if i am a leper,
and jesus has healed me,
the scales no longer clinging to my eyes,
the lesions' contagion no longer tearing away at skin,
then why am i living on mat,
paralyzed by imagined impoverishment?
and if he trusted me to stand,
but instead i lie here,
would it not stand to reason that
i have an altogether different, altogether worse
form of leprosy?
i wonder if jesus knew this-
if he knew, when he asked the 
'are you willing to be made clean again' question,
that if the answer was anything other than yes,
it was a disease even he could not heal.

i know my disease and my disease is
never wanting to be where i am, never resting in the
mountains my faith has moved, never letting my yes
be resounding, instead of feeble and dubious.

i wonder if jesus knew this-
if he knew, when he was asked the
'help me overcome my unbelief' question,
the admission was the gateway to belief.